Soldiers on paper

I went for my first H3 math lesson today. well, it was high time anyway; cant expect to be able to take 2 H3s while just sitting around doing nothing. the lesson itself was quite manageable, and i had panyu for company, so i guess it was quite ok. the real killer wasnt in the lesson itself, though, but rather the lessons before that - namely 6 Graph Theory chapters and 2 Sets chapters... holy crap i dunno how in the world im supposed to be able to catch up now T_T

while i was on the bus home today, a man carrying a small kid in his arms boarded. the boy (im presuming his son) looked maybe 2-3 years old, and the father didnt have one of those carry-your-baby-like-a-backpack things, so im guessing he was struggling quite a bit. there were still quite a few seats available on the bus, but they were scattered throughout the bus. i guess the father was uncomfortable with leaving his toddler sitting alone with a stranger, so he sat down next to another guy with his son still in his arms. time passed, and they guy was still sitting there, seemingly oblivious to the fact that right next to him was a man who needed a seat so that his son could be comfortable. it was pretty obvious that nothing was going to happen, so i gave him my seat (i had an empty seat next to me so that he could sit with his son). and after that, i sat next to they guy who didnt give his seat in the first place.

i understand why people might not want to help if it entails some form of self-sacrifice. no matter how selfish it seems, self-preservation is nearly always at the top of our priorities, and we could never fault someone for placing himself over another. but what happened on the bus challenges my long-held belief that humans are kind by nature; that in the absence of sacrifice there would be nothing preventing a person from doing good and he would thus do it instinctively. there were so many seats available on the bus that the guy could have easily just shifted to another seat and let the father have two joined seats for his son. personally i dont even feel like i have done a good deed, cos i wasnt even giving up my seat, but just shifting to another seat. what does this mean for my belief: that humans are not actually intrinsically good, or that people's threshold for "sacrifice" has gone down to such ridiculous levels?

on a random note: when you put objects into groups it's called organisation; when you put animals into groups it's called classification; when you put people into groups it's called segregation. why do we strive to achieve economic efficiency with our manpower, selecting the elites for grooming while ignoring the "average" majority, when it is clear as day that people are not mere "capital equipment" to play around with? the unique thing about manpower (some might say it's a hindrance) is that it hates being categorised based on capability, and will always fight back no matter how inoffensive it is made to look like. whether you want to gather the cream of the crop of sports, art, music, academics, or just about any skill you can think of, there will be people protesting that the rest are neglected, or that we are not all given a fair chance to prove and develop ourselves, or some other reasons. and of course the lucky few who were chosen will retort that they have proven themselves to be the most promising and thus the bulk of attention should be focused on them, and that the "average" majority should try to prove themselves instead of whining about their plight.

my personal opinion? i feel that elitist as it seems, special attention to the gifted minority of our society is definitely needed for society as a whole to progress. what use is an enitre nation of secondary school physics teachers compared to a single einstein who can come up with a theory of relativity? in much the same way, we can only hope to progress as a community if we invest in those few bright sparks who can truly single-handedly pioneer new changes in our lives. still, that does not mean we should simply ignore everyone else - einstein may be arguably the most prominent physicist of all time, but in no way was he the only contributor to the realm of physics. credit has to be given to the other less famous but still equally important discoveries made by other scientists of that time. similarly, we should always strive to close the gap between the elites and the laymen, allowing the non-elites to also contribute to society. in my opinion, an ideal education system would be one where talent is reconised and built upon immediately, as and when it shows itself. this way, there would be no cases where people are unable to develop to their fullest potential simply because they discovered their abilities late and missed some entrance test set at some arbitrary time. the laymen would constantly have the chance to earn their right to acheive their full potential, and the elites would constantly be challenged to prove their worth and stretch their limits in the face of competition.

i guess it is quite ironic that after my initial critique of treating people in economic terms, i should propose an economic concept as the answer to our problems. confused? if you're an SH2 economics student, then try reading up again on the theory of contestable markets from last year and spot the similarities between that and what im suggesting here. elite group = monopoly, entrance test = barrier to entry. mr hussain would be proud, yeah? :)

let us not forget that despite everything that einstein had acheived, he was born with learning disabilities and was nearly denied an education because he was a late bloomer.

Til death do us part?

[crazyemotalking]
certain events today got me thinking about death :/

if i came up to you and said i wanted to talk about death, you would probably scan my wrists for penknife scars and bring me to woodbridge. but even amidst all the stigma and social taboos surrounding death, isnt it a topic that everyone must face up to eventually? would i want to be conscious and aware of my situation the entire time, knowing that i might go the next day, seeing and feeling my body detiorate to nothing, but thankfully being able to plan out my final days? or would it be better if i slowly lost touch with the outside world and reverted back to the mental capabilities of a 10-year-old, oblivious that i'm reaching the end? at the end of the day, i guess the most important question is "do i dare admit that i'm dying?" currently, i have to say i'll gladly take any sedative to numb the onset of death, simply because there's so much in life that i dont want to let go of.

it must be easier to leave when you are willing to let go, but how can you let go if you have so much to hold on to? it seems nearly paradoxical - the more enriching a life you lead, the more you have to sacrifice when it is finally time to go. what is the difference between useless couch potato and a nobel prize winner if they both started off as children and end off as corpses? if there is any purpose in living, it cannot be for ourselves, because nothing we do will be able to reach out past the grave.

if we do not live for ourselves, then we must be living for everyone else. for friends; for family; for anyone and everyone we have ever met and interacted with - that must be what we live for. the nobel prize winner himself may not be any better off than the couch potato after death, but the change he has impacted on the world is far greater than what most people could even dream about. i live for the sake of everyone else - i think for now i'm satisfied by this conclusion.

or maybe i'm in denial, and in actual fact humans are just like any other animal in existence; maybe there is no such noble cause to live for other than the primal instinct of survival. i dunno, im not an expert on this, i cant judge.
[\crazyemotalking]

edit: just found this song while randomly surfing the web. when i first heard it i thought it would be your average metalcore song, but then i got to the synths. never thought that technocore (yes, i made that word up) was possible, even less that it would actually sound quite cool. Brendons Song, by Abandon All Ships:

OH MY GOD! CONFIRM CAN!

All this stuff has started to take a physical toll on me. my calf started aching during friday's training (i have a suspiscion it's cos of practicing "It's Tricky" over and over again -.-) and by then end of it all even nigel seng could tell that i was limping slightly. still, i maintain that it was all worth it to be able to be a part of Genesis, and i'd do it all over again (probably with even greater fervour) if i had to choose again.

hockey try-outs are on monday! excited to see the new batch of guys on the team, but at the same time i feel slightly worried. are we good enough to teach them if we are still learning ourselves? the fate of next year's team could very well be determined by how quickly and how well us seniors coach them in these first few trainings. in any case, the seniors have been telling us that we need more confidence, and i guess this is one way for us to build it up.

jokes are funny until they get out of hand. i wouldnt mind as much if it was just me, but when there are two people involved then i feel that it's quite unfair to the other party. hopefully the joke will die down soon.

does anyone know what the pre-u seminar is all about? what do people do there? is it fun? is it good for your portfolio? i wouldnt want to jump in knowing nothing.

i have already remarked many times before that im amazed by how much i have changed over the course of my JC life, but these few days i've been wondering if it is for better or worse. am i really headed in the right direction, or am i becoming the arrogant insensitive monster that i have always despised and steered clear of? if you ever see me acting like that, please do not hesitate to shout some sense into me. all monsters must be restrained for the safety of the people around them.

im still in the orientation mood! :) well, partially in the mood. im still in a semi-high state all the time, like im waiting for a random person to start a "yah" cheer anytime soon. an OG10 outing and a combined Ixion OGL dinner are already in the works, so hopefully orientation wont end just yet. here's a song from the Libertas walk-in which i find really catchy, and really represents the whole orientation spirit: "Jump" by Flo Rida.


<3 Genesis
<3 Ixion
<3 OG10

Can survive JC life? CONFIRM CAN! :D

The dream has faded away, and reality is my new nightmare

Well, it turns out that some of the OG10 orientees have found my blog (yes, crazy people have blogs too), so "Hey guys!" :) so anyway, i have to say that you guys really opened up during the remainder of Genesis since my last post, which is awesome of course. i hope Genesis was as much fun for you guys as it was for us OGLs to prepare. orientation is truly a momentous occasion for anyone entering JC life, so i hope we managed to help you guys start off with a bang. hopefully you guys will still keep in touch even after you are split up into your respective classes, cos OG10 is after all one of the first groups of people that most of you would have met when stepping into NJC. say "hi" to each other as you pass by, perhaps have a little chat while you're at it, because you should never underestimate the uplifting effects of a simple smile and wave. and maybe i'll come back to NJC this time next year and see that us "old people" have inspired some of you to become OGLs yourselves :)

and i dont think i've been as high as i was during the dance party on the last night of Genesis. even managed to pluck the drunken courage (metaphorically of course - im underage and anti-alcohol) to go on the stage with lionel and wuhong and act like idiots (as usual :D ). i cant help but compare that with last year, when i barely dared to bounce with the rhythm of the music. once again, im amazed at how much i've changed over the past year.

but alas, Genesis is over, and now the catching up on schoolwork commences. i was honestly quite taken aback initially when it seemed that all the subjects have raced ahead of me, especially econs and chem, but after the make-up lecture for maths and econs it's slightly more manageable. i still cant estimate with much confidence how long it will take for me to fully catch up, but hopefully it wont be that bad.

and i got a bit of a scare regarding the fan club today. i went to check on it and realised that there were like 10 people who i did not know at all who joined the club... they have since been removed, but im starting to get a little worried that what started off as an innocent inside joke may lead to something ugly for everyone, especially myself :(

Genesis: Unravelling a New Beginning

I think 1-2 posts a week should be the best I can do given how hectic life will become in the coming months. oh well, hopefully I can keep this place alive a bit longer.

thursday was finally the start of Genesis! things were moving really slowly though. the first day was dominated by admin talks (i clearly recall a similar occurence during e(nj)oy last year) and we barely had time to even talk with our og. yesterday was somewhat better though, and after the final few admin talks it was finally time for orientation to start proper.

thursday was also my first H3 tutorial. the teacher seems to be really great, like one of those friendly yet amazingly smart teachers that seem to exist only in inpirational teen movies. the atmosphere was slightly dampened though by the overwhelming amount of mugger spirit exhibited by some of my new classmates... come on guys, even the teacher wants to keep the lesson lively and interesting, so why cant we go along with it? it will make H3 a lot more enjoyable for everyone.

first impressions of OG10: well, as can be expected they were mostly quite shy initially, but luckily most of them started to open up to us and each other by the second day.  there was the first mass dance session. what can you expect from a bunch of people who are too shy even to sit next to the opposite sex? OG10's 5 star couples (because OG10 only has 5 guys -.-) were practically frozen to the spot. the girl-girl pairs were faring slightly better, but in general most of them simply didnt dare to do the dance. the same thing happened to me during my orientation i guess, but they should realise that they will look good as long as they do the dance properly and dont hold back for fear of looking weird (i vaguely remember zhihao telling me the same thing last year...). and the same goes for us ogls for our walk-in! come on guys, let's give our orientees a great show to start off the year.

and of course, there was the teaching of the college songs and cheers. they really seemed to be genuinely high, much more than what my batch could muster last year. we even managed to have five clusters of "yah" cheers going on simultaneously - im pretty sure that's some kind of record. maybe this year's batch will be the key to overturning NJC's "mugger" stereotype?

after friday's orientation activities there was a short walk-in practice session for the ogls, then i cabbed to nyp with nigel and marcus for hockey training. i realised that some of my basic skills which should have been ironed out a long time ago are still underdeveloped, which just goes to show how much more effort i mus squeeze into this in time for A divs. still, we finally started scoring goals against them as a team, and even though it's quite obvious that they were barely trying it's still a slight motivation for me when i think back to last year when we frequently walked away from nyp matches without a single goal.

and jerrell pulled out of appealing for two H3s, which means im the only guy in NJC crazy enough to even harbour the thought of taking two H3s. previously i always thought that i would have someone to die with me, but now it seems that im on my own. can i pull this off?

wow, i just realised this post is full of nostalgia for e(nj)oy. i guess it's nice to relive snatches of last year now that the A levels loom ahead this year.

random thought: 28th January, the first day of Genesis, was also the one-month death anniversary of The Rev. looking forward to A7X's next album to hear some of his last works, and hoping that they manage to find someone good enoug to play his songs for him.

When worlds collide

Everything's happening so fast, it seems that life is melting together into one continuous stream of events. i can rarely recall the chronological order of things in my life anymore, and most of the time i only have a faint idea of whether something happened this week or last week. please try to understand if you notice and anachronism in my posts, cos im only trying to get the general idea through.

firstly is something that happened last week (cant rmb if it was thursday or friday :/ ): the teacher in charge of the sapphire scholars programme approached me to ask if i would like to join. i jumped at the chance, cos honestly i had the dumbest of reasons not to apply for it last year: one of the criteria for application was a napfa silver, and i failed my napfa last year (23-point fail ftw). when i told the teacher this she seemed kind of shocked, like she didnt even know that such a criterion even existed. in hindsight i gues it was pretty stupid, but at that time i was still emoing about being the most unfit guy in NJ hockey. well, im still the most unfit guy today, but at least that's cos the entire team has been improving together :)

monday was my second NTU H3 lecture. all the things i said before, about how seemed to teach more biology and chemistry than physics, i take it all back. the learning curve is absurdly steep, but i guess that's what H3 is all about. it seemed quite clear from this second lecture that im gonna have to revise through my integration and differentiation, and pay extra attention during vectors lectures.

lessons, training, talking cock, the usual happenings... and something else that didnt happen as frequently last year, the clashing of schedules. homework + H3 + OGL + hockey = a serious lack of time. oh well, a compromise here, a sacrifice there, i believe i'll make it in the end.

and that group, that club... well, if you have me added on facebook then chances are you know what im talking about, and if you dont then dont expect me to elaborate too much about it in a public place like a blog cos im caught in quite an awkward situation myself. anyway, you guys can do anything you want, cos seriously im just interested to see how things will develop :) but that display pic is... *facepalm*

O2 is only 2 days away! totally psyched about it. to heck with all the lectures and tutorials im gonna miss, cos orientation will make it all worthwhile.

Life as it is lived

Starting to feel the full effects of school on my free time, or whatever's left of it. i can barely find the time to settle down and type out a coherent sentence to post here.

on wednesday, a few hockey old boys came down to help us with training. it turns out that 2 of them will actually be working in NJC as teachers (im not sure if they will be permanent or not), so we'll be seeing a lot more of them. after training, they confirmed what our newly-graduated seniors from last year have been trying to convince us for so long: that we are one of the luckiest batches that NJ hockey ever had. i know it was meant to be a prep talk to boost our confidence, but in the back of my mind i was wondering if this meant that there are greater expectations of us. people keep on telling us that we are alright, but i think what the team really needs is an opportunity to prove it for themselves.

on thursday, i stayed back after school for walk-in practice as well as making souvenirs for cca open day. the souvenirs are little clay hockey stick and hockey ball keychains or something, and since we were all failures in art and craft you can pretty much guess how it went. haha, maybe we can drag people to training when they return to ask for a refund on their souvenir. i left the arts and crafts session early to go for walk-in practice. they changed the song slightly, but besides that it was mostly just recapping the steps again. i also found out that certain people (looks at lionel, sean, kaywei, yiyin etc) have been trying to "matchmake" me with someone else -.- lol, damn stupid. well, as long as everyone is aware that it's just a joke then im quite fine with it. im just really curious as to when this whole thing started out, and how i remained oblivious to it until now.

friday was walk-in practice again, and again the song was changed. i think that ignis seriously takes "last minute" to a whole new level, cos we only have about a week left and we're still adding changes to the dance here and there, when this should be the time to polish up the dance. and the dancers are also a bit unrealistic sometimes, expecting us to pull out stunts and tricks out of nowhere. quote of the day: "sucking up doesn't create miracles." XD

for some reason, brenda and lishang suddenly love science competitions a lot and they... want to share the joy with me? well actually they joined a few competitions and for some reason want me on their team. so now, it seems that im joining some NTU material science competition (what's material science anyway?) and SPARKS (again... last year's SPARKS was kind of a waste of time -.-). oh well, nvm lah, try try a bit. after all, after this year i'll be sent packing to NS, so might as well try a few things before i go.