Limbo

I try to look at NS in a positive light and convince myself that I'm making productive use of my time, and for the most part I'd say that I'm quite successful in that, but once in a while a rock strikes my head and I remember that my future life will not lie within the army but outside of it. Then I start to realise that while I'm still stuck in this two-year limbo, those fortunate enough to escape the system (mainly the girls I guess) are already starting to move on to the next stage of their lives. My female colleagues during the DSO internship have already gone on to receive their scholarships proper, and will soon be continuing on to their higher education in a matter of months, while those of us stuck in the army have to complete our mandatory hiatus, losing any hope of maintaining our post-'A' levels momentum. I know that theoretically we're supposed to have lots of admin time to use for planning for our future, but honestly it is very difficult to maintain efficiency and discipline in planning when we're left alone with a flood of information with no real clue of where to start looking. Utterly depressing.

I need a pensieve

Thoughts are literally tunneling through my brain right now. One moment they surface for a quick breather, exposing themselves to my conscious mind to ponder, and the next they have wedged themselves deeper still, back into some dark quiet recess of my head. I guess that's what happens when you have five days of free time to think about life and only two days to try and organise those thoughts. Though I could never even come close to telling you what exactly I'm thinking right now, this is my best attempt at turning my thoughts into words:

I like my current status in the army now. I'm totally adjusted to being a normal soldier after about four months of being a recruit or trainee. Maybe when I was still fresh out of trainee phase I might still have felt like taking a gamble, but not now when I've settled comfortably into what is supposed to be my life for the next 18 months.

Am I allowed to be lucky? Is it alright for me to be fortunate while others are suffering? If not, what am I supposed to do? Feel sorry for them? Give them some of my good fortune? Where does my right to enjoy myself and have a good life end and my obligation to help others in need begin? Is there anything short of total philanthropy that can make me feel like less of a hypocrite? It's obvious that a life devoted either to complete selfishness or complete selflessness cannot function, because different situations call for different qualities. But even if we were to consider a mix of the two extremes, at what ratio should they go together? If neither extreme can serve me well in life, wouldn't it also make sense that no one particular mix of the two can get me through life unscathed either? Then why do we even bother trying to find a perfect balance if it doesn't exist? If we talk about selfishness this way, can the same be said of other vices, or maybe even the broadest sense of good and bad itself?

I am so afraid of adulthood I'm not even joking right now. Life used to be a set of instructions that we could follow without questions, but slowly it has turned into a multiple-choice questionnaire, then an open-ended question, and now simply a blank piece of paper. I hate blank papers, they remind me of econs *shudder*

I read an article a few days ago that now makes me suspect that I might be schizophrenic.

Army talk

A few things going on in my life right now.

23 SIG BN is a pretty cool place, definitely not the worst place a signaler man could end up in. The commanders are mostly nice guys you can talk cock with, so all's good. Except, of course, the location -.- Also, we're going for Exercise Wallaby which is somewhere in [secret Australian place (actually I don't know where it will be held either)], so I'll be on exercise for two months :(

Perhaps I wanted something else before, but I'm now comfortable with my lot. So should the opportunity arise again, what should I do? Status quo or stretching my limits? Or am I setting myself up for disappointment?

George Orwell wrote in the book 1984: "If there is hope, it lies with the proles", but together with hope we find chaos. You can get millions of underlings to carry you up on their shoulders, but those same proletariats can easily throw you down.

There are so many things I could be doing with my time right now, chief among them researching on US universities, studying for SATs and learning driving, but somehow being in the army totally takes the drive out of you to do anything besides laze around.

There is much to learn in the army; there is much yet for me to learn.