I like my current status in the army now. I'm totally adjusted to being a normal soldier after about four months of being a recruit or trainee. Maybe when I was still fresh out of trainee phase I might still have felt like taking a gamble, but not now when I've settled comfortably into what is supposed to be my life for the next 18 months.
Am I allowed to be lucky? Is it alright for me to be fortunate while others are suffering? If not, what am I supposed to do? Feel sorry for them? Give them some of my good fortune? Where does my right to enjoy myself and have a good life end and my obligation to help others in need begin? Is there anything short of total philanthropy that can make me feel like less of a hypocrite? It's obvious that a life devoted either to complete selfishness or complete selflessness cannot function, because different situations call for different qualities. But even if we were to consider a mix of the two extremes, at what ratio should they go together? If neither extreme can serve me well in life, wouldn't it also make sense that no one particular mix of the two can get me through life unscathed either? Then why do we even bother trying to find a perfect balance if it doesn't exist? If we talk about selfishness this way, can the same be said of other vices, or maybe even the broadest sense of good and bad itself?
I am so afraid of adulthood I'm not even joking right now. Life used to be a set of instructions that we could follow without questions, but slowly it has turned into a multiple-choice questionnaire, then an open-ended question, and now simply a blank piece of paper. I hate blank papers, they remind me of econs *shudder*
I read an article a few days ago that now makes me suspect that I might be schizophrenic.
