For some reason, I decided on a whim yesterday that I'll start listening to more non-prog metal. That meant stuff other than Protest the Hero, The Human Abstract, Last Chance to Reason and Cormorant, which eliminates a pretty big chunk of my top 25 most played on my iTunes. Thankfully, I stumbled upon this band called Machine Head :)
I know what y'all real metalheads are thinking: this kid knows about obscure bands like LCTR and Cormorant, but he's only JUST DISCOVERED Machine Head? Well, I'm not your usual metal lover I guess.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Parting words for 2011
It barely registered in me that today's already the last day of 2011. Just as well; 2011 hasn't exactly been my best year (I know I've only had 19 of them, but still) and I'd like to be over and done with it and move on to 2012 as soon as possible. Still, I think 2011 still warrants a retrospective, if only to reflect upon my mistakes.
Things actually got off to quite a good start. Got into NS and went through the standard 9 weeks in a not-too-bad company. Not getting into command school was initially a downer, but my eventual path from SI to 23 Signals turned out to be pretty good as well. Got back 'A' level results and all was good except for econs, but that thankfully didn't scare DSO from letting me have their scholarship. And I could literally pinpoint with a GPS that THAT was exactly when things starting breaking down.
Back in 2010 when people of greater foresight were taking SATs, my thought process was basically "I don't have the money to go to the US, and I don't have a fancy scholarship either, so I'm not doing this." And that was true at the time, because I had yet to apply for the DSO scholarship. After I applied for the scholarship, I thought that I shouldn't be taking the SATs if I couldn't even confirm my scholarship, so I left that alone again... All the way till about May this year, if I remember, when I finally got a confirmation letter. And that was possibly the worst time ever I could get started on the SATs: the 2 years' worth of knowledge on 4 different subjects that I had memorised literally half a year ago had become but a distant blur in my memory. Now I not only have to familiarise myself with an entirely new syllabus, but also pick out the relevant information I learned during J2 from the deepest recesses of my mind to apply here. Predictably, especially for a self-confessed serial procrastinator like myself, I passed SAT deadline after deadline after deadline. Now, on the last day of the year, I have an overseas scholarship and nothing to show for it but a placing in NUS. I know that I might sound a tad snobbish right now but that's not the point; the point is that I had a golden opportunity and now I've all but thrown it out the window. I'm not lamenting my ill fate or cursing the heavens for toying with me; I'm berating myself for such an incredibly poor management of my own life this year.
OK, berating's over.
I am NOT going to sit around and feel sorry for myself the way I've been doing ever since I came back from Wallaby. I am NOT going to crumple in a corner and cry as I watch this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip through my fingers because I was too lazy to cup my hands. The new year may be a traditional time for resolutions, but it is not for such a trivial and arbitrary reason that I am writing this down today. As the new year arrives, SAT dates will renew and application windows will reopen. I might have some explaining to do with DSO about why I can only confirm my university placing in Q1 2013, but I'd much rather do that than lose this chance altogether.
I read somewhere that a New Year's resolution needs to be attainable, measurable and precisely defined to be effective, so I'm now going to pen down my first set of serious resolutions ever:
Things actually got off to quite a good start. Got into NS and went through the standard 9 weeks in a not-too-bad company. Not getting into command school was initially a downer, but my eventual path from SI to 23 Signals turned out to be pretty good as well. Got back 'A' level results and all was good except for econs, but that thankfully didn't scare DSO from letting me have their scholarship. And I could literally pinpoint with a GPS that THAT was exactly when things starting breaking down.
Back in 2010 when people of greater foresight were taking SATs, my thought process was basically "I don't have the money to go to the US, and I don't have a fancy scholarship either, so I'm not doing this." And that was true at the time, because I had yet to apply for the DSO scholarship. After I applied for the scholarship, I thought that I shouldn't be taking the SATs if I couldn't even confirm my scholarship, so I left that alone again... All the way till about May this year, if I remember, when I finally got a confirmation letter. And that was possibly the worst time ever I could get started on the SATs: the 2 years' worth of knowledge on 4 different subjects that I had memorised literally half a year ago had become but a distant blur in my memory. Now I not only have to familiarise myself with an entirely new syllabus, but also pick out the relevant information I learned during J2 from the deepest recesses of my mind to apply here. Predictably, especially for a self-confessed serial procrastinator like myself, I passed SAT deadline after deadline after deadline. Now, on the last day of the year, I have an overseas scholarship and nothing to show for it but a placing in NUS. I know that I might sound a tad snobbish right now but that's not the point; the point is that I had a golden opportunity and now I've all but thrown it out the window. I'm not lamenting my ill fate or cursing the heavens for toying with me; I'm berating myself for such an incredibly poor management of my own life this year.
OK, berating's over.
I am NOT going to sit around and feel sorry for myself the way I've been doing ever since I came back from Wallaby. I am NOT going to crumple in a corner and cry as I watch this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip through my fingers because I was too lazy to cup my hands. The new year may be a traditional time for resolutions, but it is not for such a trivial and arbitrary reason that I am writing this down today. As the new year arrives, SAT dates will renew and application windows will reopen. I might have some explaining to do with DSO about why I can only confirm my university placing in Q1 2013, but I'd much rather do that than lose this chance altogether.
I read somewhere that a New Year's resolution needs to be attainable, measurable and precisely defined to be effective, so I'm now going to pen down my first set of serious resolutions ever:
- I will study for and take SAT I and have a clear deadline for SAT II by 2 June
- I will find out what kind of testimonials and essays I need prepared for university application and procure them by August (don't ask me where I got that date from)
- Since DSO no longer allows scholars to go to ICL, the only options for UK universities are Oxbridge, so in light of that development, I will submit an application to Cambridge (I can't believe I just made myself promise that)
For the past 19 years I've been a vagrant in my own shoes, drifting about with no clear goal. Perhaps it was more than mere coincidence that I got a daily planner from the class gift exchange.
Since I know that I'll be doing the countdown with the 28 guys tonight and tomorrow, here's wishing you a Happy New Year's Day in advance, and if I had any good parting words for 2011, I'd have to shamelessly quote myself comparing 'A' levels to running: "If you stumble, just focus ahead. If you try to look back, you'll just trip over the next roadblock."
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Crocodile King
Two days ago it was the day itself, Christmas day. My family hosted a Christmas BBQ/gift exchange for the extended paternal family, which went pretty well (except the beef satay; holy shit so much beef satay). One part that left a deep impression in me was the gift exchange. Cousin X received a skincare package including soap, moisturiser and lotion, but being a 13-year-old boy he didn't quite appreciate the value of it. He started complaining about how he got such a crappy present, most likely within earshot of the mystery person who gave it to him, and somehow he was given another chance to choose a present. This time, he got, surprise surprise, a skincare package. While it was pretty unfortunate for him to get two very similar presents which he didn't like, his response propelled him, in my eyes, to face-pulverising levels of brattiness. He began complaining even more loudly about his "crappy present", and demanded to know who had the audacity to prepare such a crappy gift as skincare products for a gift exchange. Remember that the people who prepared those presents almost certainly heard every word of his tirade. Even after his father dragged him aside and gave him a stern warning to shut up (which I felt was very merciful of him because, like I said, face-pulverising), he persisted in letting the world know about his oh-so-horrible Christmas present. He wouldn't shut up until one of my aunts very graciously gave him her present, a waterproof film camera.
Him being thirteen doesn't excuse him from anything. Thirteen is old enough to understand that sometimes you don't get what you want but you have to remain calm anyway and thank the person for giving you anything at all. He single-handedly made me lose even more faith in the Christmas spirit, making me even more disillusioned then I was before (I didn't even know it was possible until it happened).
Boxing Day brought with it the stirrings of old demons I thought I had interred. Inadequacy was the order of the day, mixed with a generous dose of uncertainty and helplessness. I suddenly recalled a personality test I once took as part of a PSC scholarship profiling study for potential applicants. Though I can't find the exact document (what with the house-moving and all), certain key phrases bubbled to the surface: phrases like "indecisive", "unmotivated" and "unambitious" (perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended up not even trying for the scholarship at all). These echoes from the past now ring truer than ever, and they sting more than ever too. Of course, the test was quick to point out that the results are meant to point out our flaws so that we can change for the better, but in hindsight did they really expect the guy they repeatedly called unmotivated and indecisive to spontaneously pick himself up and experience an epiphany?
Then again, who do I have to blame but myself? That's why I do blame myself. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not doing anything to relieve that hatred.
I'm suddenly reminded of a quote from a game I once played in primary school, Dungeon Siege. In it, there was a humanoid crocodile who ruled as the king of his kind by virtue of his intellect, which was amazing by crocodile standards but still beneath humans. In the hero's final encounter with him, he describes how he slowly gained consciousness but could never break the glass ceiling to achieve human intelligence.
"I was intelligent enough to recognise my own flaws, but never intelligent enough to solve them."
Him being thirteen doesn't excuse him from anything. Thirteen is old enough to understand that sometimes you don't get what you want but you have to remain calm anyway and thank the person for giving you anything at all. He single-handedly made me lose even more faith in the Christmas spirit, making me even more disillusioned then I was before (I didn't even know it was possible until it happened).
Boxing Day brought with it the stirrings of old demons I thought I had interred. Inadequacy was the order of the day, mixed with a generous dose of uncertainty and helplessness. I suddenly recalled a personality test I once took as part of a PSC scholarship profiling study for potential applicants. Though I can't find the exact document (what with the house-moving and all), certain key phrases bubbled to the surface: phrases like "indecisive", "unmotivated" and "unambitious" (perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended up not even trying for the scholarship at all). These echoes from the past now ring truer than ever, and they sting more than ever too. Of course, the test was quick to point out that the results are meant to point out our flaws so that we can change for the better, but in hindsight did they really expect the guy they repeatedly called unmotivated and indecisive to spontaneously pick himself up and experience an epiphany?
Then again, who do I have to blame but myself? That's why I do blame myself. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not doing anything to relieve that hatred.
I'm suddenly reminded of a quote from a game I once played in primary school, Dungeon Siege. In it, there was a humanoid crocodile who ruled as the king of his kind by virtue of his intellect, which was amazing by crocodile standards but still beneath humans. In the hero's final encounter with him, he describes how he slowly gained consciousness but could never break the glass ceiling to achieve human intelligence.
"I was intelligent enough to recognise my own flaws, but never intelligent enough to solve them."
Friday, December 23, 2011
The name is Scrooge
I was travelling home from camp this afternoon when it just hit me: I have absolutely no vested interest in celebrating Christmas at all. I'm glad to have a public holiday and all, but honestly I feel that Christmas has no relation to me whatsoever. Of course, some of you might retort with the whole "season of giving" and "a time to get together" routine, but to me Christmas is just a husk standing where a man once stood. Take a look around you: be it in shopping centres, on TV screens or even at home, charity is the last thing on the layman's mind. No, the modern Christmas is simply a hollow excuse for businesses to sell and consumers to buy. Perhaps there are still some people who truly make an effort to be extra nice during this time of year, and I applaud them for their unwavering faith in the Christmas spirit, but their angelic voices of hope are being drowned out by a chorus of cacophony courtesy of every advertisement plugging their last-minute yuletide sale and every bratty kid who refuses to settle for his/her iPod if it's not in the right colour.
It's the end of the year, but my troubles have only just begun.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
The rest of the family have gone on vacation to Thailand, leaving me alone to deal with an ATP that I will most likely not get marksman for. Oh well. For now, I'm staying at my grandmother's house over the weekend since nobody else is at home. Somehow, I find it nostalgic and heartwarming to be back in the Bishan area again, even though it's only been about 6 months since I left.
Yesterday was the 09SH27 Ultimate Christmas Steamboat Feast 2011, which actually went much better than I had initially expected. The guys were of course as awesome as ever, and I finally managed to get hold of Jacob (minus hair) and Rayson (minus specs). Not only that, the girls were also surprisingly not congealed into their usual clique and there was some earnest, if not overdue, class bonding (at least from my point of view). There was steamboat; there was gift exchange; there was Jeremy getting scalded repeatedly; there was SSBB and Band Hero; there was "(VERB) ALL THE (NOUNS)" and "like a nice". Overall, it was a genuinely fun class reunion, and for that there are a few people I need to thank: 09SH27, for being great company to have; Edmund, for the super classy 2012 daily planner which I swear to put to good use next year (and on a related note, I guess boo to Yicen for calling my awesome potion tumbler "ok lah" instead of "the totally awesome light which shall henceforth guide the rest of my life"); and I think most importantly, thanks to Tzumi for being such a great hostess and for letting us more or less trash her house for the sake of this gathering. Perhaps we really should have a CNY gathering :)
At this point, it's a matter of me panicking because there's not enough time, and there being not enough time because I spend it all panicking.
Yesterday was the 09SH27 Ultimate Christmas Steamboat Feast 2011, which actually went much better than I had initially expected. The guys were of course as awesome as ever, and I finally managed to get hold of Jacob (minus hair) and Rayson (minus specs). Not only that, the girls were also surprisingly not congealed into their usual clique and there was some earnest, if not overdue, class bonding (at least from my point of view). There was steamboat; there was gift exchange; there was Jeremy getting scalded repeatedly; there was SSBB and Band Hero; there was "(VERB) ALL THE (NOUNS)" and "like a nice". Overall, it was a genuinely fun class reunion, and for that there are a few people I need to thank: 09SH27, for being great company to have; Edmund, for the super classy 2012 daily planner which I swear to put to good use next year (and on a related note, I guess boo to Yicen for calling my awesome potion tumbler "ok lah" instead of "the totally awesome light which shall henceforth guide the rest of my life"); and I think most importantly, thanks to Tzumi for being such a great hostess and for letting us more or less trash her house for the sake of this gathering. Perhaps we really should have a CNY gathering :)
At this point, it's a matter of me panicking because there's not enough time, and there being not enough time because I spend it all panicking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)