[crazyemotalking]
certain events today got me thinking about death :/
if i came up to you and said i wanted to talk about death, you would probably scan my wrists for penknife scars and bring me to woodbridge. but even amidst all the stigma and social taboos surrounding death, isnt it a topic that everyone must face up to eventually? would i want to be conscious and aware of my situation the entire time, knowing that i might go the next day, seeing and feeling my body detiorate to nothing, but thankfully being able to plan out my final days? or would it be better if i slowly lost touch with the outside world and reverted back to the mental capabilities of a 10-year-old, oblivious that i'm reaching the end? at the end of the day, i guess the most important question is "do i dare admit that i'm dying?" currently, i have to say i'll gladly take any sedative to numb the onset of death, simply because there's so much in life that i dont want to let go of.
it must be easier to leave when you are willing to let go, but how can you let go if you have so much to hold on to? it seems nearly paradoxical - the more enriching a life you lead, the more you have to sacrifice when it is finally time to go. what is the difference between useless couch potato and a nobel prize winner if they both started off as children and end off as corpses? if there is any purpose in living, it cannot be for ourselves, because nothing we do will be able to reach out past the grave.
if we do not live for ourselves, then we must be living for everyone else. for friends; for family; for anyone and everyone we have ever met and interacted with - that must be what we live for. the nobel prize winner himself may not be any better off than the couch potato after death, but the change he has impacted on the world is far greater than what most people could even dream about. i live for the sake of everyone else - i think for now i'm satisfied by this conclusion.
or maybe i'm in denial, and in actual fact humans are just like any other animal in existence; maybe there is no such noble cause to live for other than the primal instinct of survival. i dunno, im not an expert on this, i cant judge.
[\crazyemotalking]
edit: just found this song while randomly surfing the web. when i first heard it i thought it would be your average metalcore song, but then i got to the synths. never thought that technocore (yes, i made that word up) was possible, even less that it would actually sound quite cool. Brendons Song, by Abandon All Ships:
