I feel exhausted. i dont feel any other emotion besides mental fatigue. i should be feeling nervous, anxious, maybe even dreadful, with chinese A levels getting right in my face, and OP not too far off after that, but im just too tired to think abt that. My mom was asking me wat birthday present i wanted, and for the first time ever i didnt have an answer for her; i just told her to surprise me. for some reason i just feel really tired, no motivation to do anything whatsoever.
I started thinking abt how i've changed over the last 362 days, given my birthday is 3 days away and all that.
i feel like over the course of this year, i have really changed a lot. for example, i have suddenly lost interest in games in general. my nintendo ds, which i would nvr leave home without last year, has not left its pouch casing since before i can rmb. also, i would usually have thought of wat present i want for my birthday by now. heck, i would have everything planned up to christmas. but now, there's nothing. there's this suddenly drop in my desire for, i dunno, material stuff? maybe im just maturing out of games.
also, i think i have become more sociable now (or at least get myself involved in more "social" stuff, cos i'll nvr rly know if im actually welcome there, will i?). i was quite the loner no-life kind of person in cat high, nvr rly got to know a lot of people. it's become a minor regret for me, that i cant walk around and say "hey, i know that guy from cat high!", unlike other cats like bryan (of course, bryan cant walk 10 steps in NJC without meeting a friend, so that isnt rly a fair comparison), but hopefully now things are better. at least now i feel that im closer to my class, and i also have more friends outside of my class (assuming, of course, that they feel the same way :X). i even decided to become an ogl, though the application form is still pending, so we'll see how that turns out *fingers crossed*.
and of course, theres hockey. being in the cat high robotics club was fun and all, but it contributed partly to my no-lifer attitude back then. never really worked out physically and stuff, nvr rly took initiative or responsibility for anything. i ended up drifting around quite aimlessly for my stay in cat high. coming into NJC hockey, the sudden increase in physical activity definitely came as a tough blow. im still physically the weakest guy on the team, but i feel that i've improved quite a lot from that slob that used to be me 4 years ago. and i also joined the exco (albeit initially against my will, but i dont regret my decision), which i feel definitely helped me. i used to be so lackdaisical abt everything, and i believe that joining the exco will train me to be more serious abt things which need to be handled without the usual laxing-ness. of course, im still a slacker, but now i can turn it off just long enough to be presentable to the teachers :)
of course, 2009 was not perfect. of course there were problems. i used to lament my fate everytime something went wrong; i didnt become a slash-wrist emo of course, but i would think that life sucked and all the shit seemed to go to me. luckily, my selfishness was short-lived. i had a huge wake-up call when a friend had to go through something horrible, something so painful i could never hope to begin fathoming how it must have felt, esp at such an inopportune moment. that was really the splash of cold water which i needed, reminding me that my problems only seem big because i, as an individual, am small in comparison. wat is one person's petty troubles in the big scheme of things? after that incident, i realised how lucky i really am, and it finally hit me that whilst pouring out my worthless woes to my friends, they were suffering in silence with their own troubles, all the while still commiting and doing their utmost just to help their obliviously babbling friend, me. i'd definitely say that this was the one most impactful moments of 2009, possibly even my entire life.
a cryptic message to the ones involved: am i giving u too much pressure? am i interfering too much? after all, it's ur life, and u get to make the final decision. i realise that i cant rly give very gd advice; all the "advice" i've been giving seems to somehow be skewed to wat i want. ultimately, i want u to make the choice that ur most comfortable with, and that most reflects wat u want. i dont u to hastily go forth with something only to please the ppl around u.
well, now that the trip down memory lane is over, i still have to settle the problems on hand. i think chinese is seriously a lost cause now (how the hell do u study for a freakin language exam? there's simply no way), so i guess i'll start editing my OP, and then work on my second draft I&R.
since it's become a habit of mine to include a song at the end of every post, i dont see any reason to break the habit. here's another Protest The Hero song. i like this one because the vocals have this strange appeal; the way he sings... there's just this quality in his voice, like a sort of controlled and restricted emotion, which is why the screaming totally flows with the song. i also love how the rhythm guitar complements the entire thing. so, here's Goddess Gagged:
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Last chinese lesson and that ever-present PW
Second post, which u might notice is the day after my first post. dont expect daily updates like this (provided the blog even survives the experiment stage) because i ASSURE u dat im only gonna update at a once-a-week or once-every-few-weeks basis under normal circumstances.
today was our last chinese lesson. started off on a bad note, when 3/4 of the class epic-failed and lined up at the wrong area for assembly. yup, ms chong (my CT and also chinese teacher - talk abt "lucky") was not in a gd mood when lessons started. i think i slept through >50% of the entire thing, as per normal during chinese. it also ended 40min overtime (maybe fate wanted to prolong our suffering during this last tortu-i mean chinese lesson), but finally it was over. i would be feeling relieved if not for the fact dat chinese A levels is still only 3 days away. still not feeling anything though, maybe i should start studying... oh well, see my mood i guess.
after that, had a crazy taupok session. it was jeremy gan's birthday, so a bunch of 27s (me, jacob, edmund, chin, rayson, lionel) escorted him down to the field. i say "escorted" because he didnt rly try to resist; guess he knew dat it was inevitable. we chanted "jiong, jiong, jiong..." (jiong3 is some super-rare, olden times, currently out of use chinese word dat ms chong just taught us, and it looks like a sad emoticon :( )(i know it's completely random, but dats the 27 style i guess), and then proceeded to taupok him. 3 times in the span of 5min. vids should be up on facebook soon :). it sends chills down my spine to think dat my turn will be in 4 days... haha, wonder if i'll be able to survive the day without getting taupoked.
after that, had PW OP discussion. nothing much to say, i think "PW OP" is enough to describe how it went. there was a lighter moment though, when jun jie walked away to do some stuff and jacob decided to send all his super brie to kexuan (that's mousehunt btw, which i personally think is retarded, but it has 70% of everyone i know addicted to it, so wat can i say).
on the bus home, we talked abt some more random stuff. jun jie was saying how now's a very awkward time to start a blog, since everyone's been letting their blogs die and doing their bloggish stuff on facebook, but i feel that there's a distinct difference. facebook is so superficial, u scan through the wall and its like "hey, so-and-so had ice-cream today, ok lets move on". a blog, on the other hand, should be more insightful, shouldnt it? personally i'd prefer reading a blog to rly get to know more abt someone, facebook just has such a trivial feel to it.
still on the bus, we also talked a bit abt 27's class bonding, and there was a general consensus that it kind of sucks. ok, so it really sucks. its depressing to see that after a year as a class, we sometimes feel awkward even to talk to fellow classmates, esp so between guys and girls. of course, im not saying dat we should hook up all the people in our class with each other, but even on a strictly platonic level, i dont feel any link or camaraderie (is that how u spell it? oh well, u get the point). even during breaks or lectures or tutorials, there are very distinct invisible lines drawn in the seating plan: it's always guys one side, girls one side, prc scholars one side. its understandable that ppl want to sit with their friends, and that their gd friends are usually of the same gender, but the situation is so bad that whenever guys and girls have to sit tgt due to space constraints, there's the constant fidgeting and shuffling to see who will be the "buffer layer" who has to sit directly next to the other group. is that getting a tad overboard? or am i just over-reacting? oh well, maybe things will work themselves out eventually; nothing to do but wait and see i guess.
STILL on the bus (there was a jam), we also talked a bit abt the possibility of a class chalet/outing during the holidays. that discussion didnt rly go anywhere noteworthy, but i did start thinking abt the planned hockey chalet. response from they boys team doesnt seem too good at the moment: songko and guan hao cant go due to council retreat, and then there are some other ppl who so definitely wont go that im thinking abt this entire thing based on the assumption that they wont go. if things keep going on this way, i predict that this chalet will be as epic-fail as the june chalet.
here's another song from Protest The Hero. the mv version is rly cool, the band members play the song blindfolded for most of the entire video, but the album version is longer and has more of that awesome intro, so i decided to embed the album version. btw, this song has perhaps my favourite intro of any song ever (im talking abt the part after the piano part of the intro; the piano part is ok i guess, but not rly my style). so, here's Blindfolds Aside:
today was our last chinese lesson. started off on a bad note, when 3/4 of the class epic-failed and lined up at the wrong area for assembly. yup, ms chong (my CT and also chinese teacher - talk abt "lucky") was not in a gd mood when lessons started. i think i slept through >50% of the entire thing, as per normal during chinese. it also ended 40min overtime (maybe fate wanted to prolong our suffering during this last tortu-i mean chinese lesson), but finally it was over. i would be feeling relieved if not for the fact dat chinese A levels is still only 3 days away. still not feeling anything though, maybe i should start studying... oh well, see my mood i guess.
after that, had a crazy taupok session. it was jeremy gan's birthday, so a bunch of 27s (me, jacob, edmund, chin, rayson, lionel) escorted him down to the field. i say "escorted" because he didnt rly try to resist; guess he knew dat it was inevitable. we chanted "jiong, jiong, jiong..." (jiong3 is some super-rare, olden times, currently out of use chinese word dat ms chong just taught us, and it looks like a sad emoticon :( )(i know it's completely random, but dats the 27 style i guess), and then proceeded to taupok him. 3 times in the span of 5min. vids should be up on facebook soon :). it sends chills down my spine to think dat my turn will be in 4 days... haha, wonder if i'll be able to survive the day without getting taupoked.
after that, had PW OP discussion. nothing much to say, i think "PW OP" is enough to describe how it went. there was a lighter moment though, when jun jie walked away to do some stuff and jacob decided to send all his super brie to kexuan (that's mousehunt btw, which i personally think is retarded, but it has 70% of everyone i know addicted to it, so wat can i say).
on the bus home, we talked abt some more random stuff. jun jie was saying how now's a very awkward time to start a blog, since everyone's been letting their blogs die and doing their bloggish stuff on facebook, but i feel that there's a distinct difference. facebook is so superficial, u scan through the wall and its like "hey, so-and-so had ice-cream today, ok lets move on". a blog, on the other hand, should be more insightful, shouldnt it? personally i'd prefer reading a blog to rly get to know more abt someone, facebook just has such a trivial feel to it.
still on the bus, we also talked a bit abt 27's class bonding, and there was a general consensus that it kind of sucks. ok, so it really sucks. its depressing to see that after a year as a class, we sometimes feel awkward even to talk to fellow classmates, esp so between guys and girls. of course, im not saying dat we should hook up all the people in our class with each other, but even on a strictly platonic level, i dont feel any link or camaraderie (is that how u spell it? oh well, u get the point). even during breaks or lectures or tutorials, there are very distinct invisible lines drawn in the seating plan: it's always guys one side, girls one side, prc scholars one side. its understandable that ppl want to sit with their friends, and that their gd friends are usually of the same gender, but the situation is so bad that whenever guys and girls have to sit tgt due to space constraints, there's the constant fidgeting and shuffling to see who will be the "buffer layer" who has to sit directly next to the other group. is that getting a tad overboard? or am i just over-reacting? oh well, maybe things will work themselves out eventually; nothing to do but wait and see i guess.
STILL on the bus (there was a jam), we also talked a bit abt the possibility of a class chalet/outing during the holidays. that discussion didnt rly go anywhere noteworthy, but i did start thinking abt the planned hockey chalet. response from they boys team doesnt seem too good at the moment: songko and guan hao cant go due to council retreat, and then there are some other ppl who so definitely wont go that im thinking abt this entire thing based on the assumption that they wont go. if things keep going on this way, i predict that this chalet will be as epic-fail as the june chalet.
here's another song from Protest The Hero. the mv version is rly cool, the band members play the song blindfolded for most of the entire video, but the album version is longer and has more of that awesome intro, so i decided to embed the album version. btw, this song has perhaps my favourite intro of any song ever (im talking abt the part after the piano part of the intro; the piano part is ok i guess, but not rly my style). so, here's Blindfolds Aside:
Thursday, October 29, 2009
First Post: Promos results, PW OP, A level chinese and some long-overdue stuff
Ok, how do i start... im just ur average student i guess, year 1 in NJC. im keeping this blog secret first as part of my experiment to see whether im enthu enough to sustain a blog for the long-term. i actually had another blog before this, but dat was quite epic-fail cos i totally had no drive to update it and it lasted all of 2 posts (as u might guess, perseverance is not one of my strong suits). so, if ur reading this, 1. ur a random person, 2. ur a lucky friend, or 3. i managed to sustain the blog.
i guess im supposed to talk abt my life now? well, a whole lot of stuff has been just zooming past me. firstly, promos results. think i did quite well (hope i dont sound too braggy :X), but still the results release day (28th oct btw) left quite a deep and solemn impression on me... at first i was quite happy with my results, but then i noticed the ppl around me who weren't doing so well. sitting right behind me, there was this girl crying when we were getting back chem results, looking across the amphitheatre i could see a few of my friends looking quite downcast, even saw one crying. even jacob, usually the always-joking clown of 09SH27, was looking a bit emo. was it right of me to be feeling so happy amidst all this tragedy? try as i might, i simply could not genuinely feel happy that day.
then today, we had to confirm our overall marks for the year (promos, common tests and daily assignments/quizzes all factored in). i know i should be feeling happy abt my marks, but there's this naggy feeling at the back of my head reminding me that the grades are moderated. suddenly, Mdm Ee's words from the cat high days echo in my head: we're sitting for a national exam, and only a certain percentage of As is allowed, so getting on-the-dot marks is not enough to secure the grade. i wonder if this advice is as applicable to A levels as it is to O levels? just a tinge of nostalgia in there, missing the simplicity of the cat high days. then again, njc has been really vibrant for me, albeit with a new, foreign host of problems... oh well, cant have ur cake and eat it i guess
after that, had OP dry run. teo tze wei and MNG were gonna invigilate, talk abt nerve-wracking! luckily, MNG had some last-min stuff, so only teo tze wei, our ST ms chen and some other teacher i dont know were there. from their comments, it seems our presentation is just way too boring. watched lionel's group and yicen's group present their OP informally beforehand, felt that they really know how to make their OP engaging and fun. our group on the other hand, everything is so boring -.- Brenda mentioned dat i must smile more while presenting, i tried to keep dat in mind while doing the dry run but still failed; mr teo said the exact same thing. really a facepalm moment for me there, must learn to absorb advice and feedback! mistakes are ok, as long as no 2 mistakes are made over the same reason. as long as we learn from each mistake, i feel that nothing is wasted. too bad i failed to abide by my own idealistic motto... *facepalm again*
A level chinese is on monday, but strangely i dont feel anything. i rly expected myself to feel more anxious and nervous than i do now, wonder if this bodes ill for my exam performance :X. in fact, i shld be doing some chinese compre paper now, but instead im doing a blog. oh well, prioritising ftw
and now, a cryptic message to those involved: dont you ppl feel tired constantly keeping each other at arm's length? i know dat the situation is something which i will nvr be able to personally relate to, but still i rly hope dat, like me, there is still a part of u guys which yearns for things to return to the way they were before. if im reading the signs correct (and i pray dat i am, i dont think i can take it if it all turns out to be false hope), there has been no better time to start rebuilding those broken bridges. dont let the trail turn cold, dont let this blessing borne from fate disappear. the sooner this is over, the sooner u guys can stop taking extra pains just to live life around each other.
well, lets end on a lighter note. in case u didnt know, im a huge fan of Protest The Hero, a sort-of progressive metalcore band from Canada. This song has been stuck in my head and looping in my playlist for months now, and i feel that some the lyrics are quite insightful (Language is the heart's lament!). enjoy:
i guess im supposed to talk abt my life now? well, a whole lot of stuff has been just zooming past me. firstly, promos results. think i did quite well (hope i dont sound too braggy :X), but still the results release day (28th oct btw) left quite a deep and solemn impression on me... at first i was quite happy with my results, but then i noticed the ppl around me who weren't doing so well. sitting right behind me, there was this girl crying when we were getting back chem results, looking across the amphitheatre i could see a few of my friends looking quite downcast, even saw one crying. even jacob, usually the always-joking clown of 09SH27, was looking a bit emo. was it right of me to be feeling so happy amidst all this tragedy? try as i might, i simply could not genuinely feel happy that day.
then today, we had to confirm our overall marks for the year (promos, common tests and daily assignments/quizzes all factored in). i know i should be feeling happy abt my marks, but there's this naggy feeling at the back of my head reminding me that the grades are moderated. suddenly, Mdm Ee's words from the cat high days echo in my head: we're sitting for a national exam, and only a certain percentage of As is allowed, so getting on-the-dot marks is not enough to secure the grade. i wonder if this advice is as applicable to A levels as it is to O levels? just a tinge of nostalgia in there, missing the simplicity of the cat high days. then again, njc has been really vibrant for me, albeit with a new, foreign host of problems... oh well, cant have ur cake and eat it i guess
after that, had OP dry run. teo tze wei and MNG were gonna invigilate, talk abt nerve-wracking! luckily, MNG had some last-min stuff, so only teo tze wei, our ST ms chen and some other teacher i dont know were there. from their comments, it seems our presentation is just way too boring. watched lionel's group and yicen's group present their OP informally beforehand, felt that they really know how to make their OP engaging and fun. our group on the other hand, everything is so boring -.- Brenda mentioned dat i must smile more while presenting, i tried to keep dat in mind while doing the dry run but still failed; mr teo said the exact same thing. really a facepalm moment for me there, must learn to absorb advice and feedback! mistakes are ok, as long as no 2 mistakes are made over the same reason. as long as we learn from each mistake, i feel that nothing is wasted. too bad i failed to abide by my own idealistic motto... *facepalm again*
A level chinese is on monday, but strangely i dont feel anything. i rly expected myself to feel more anxious and nervous than i do now, wonder if this bodes ill for my exam performance :X. in fact, i shld be doing some chinese compre paper now, but instead im doing a blog. oh well, prioritising ftw
and now, a cryptic message to those involved: dont you ppl feel tired constantly keeping each other at arm's length? i know dat the situation is something which i will nvr be able to personally relate to, but still i rly hope dat, like me, there is still a part of u guys which yearns for things to return to the way they were before. if im reading the signs correct (and i pray dat i am, i dont think i can take it if it all turns out to be false hope), there has been no better time to start rebuilding those broken bridges. dont let the trail turn cold, dont let this blessing borne from fate disappear. the sooner this is over, the sooner u guys can stop taking extra pains just to live life around each other.
well, lets end on a lighter note. in case u didnt know, im a huge fan of Protest The Hero, a sort-of progressive metalcore band from Canada. This song has been stuck in my head and looping in my playlist for months now, and i feel that some the lyrics are quite insightful (Language is the heart's lament!). enjoy:
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