I feel exhausted. i dont feel any other emotion besides mental fatigue. i should be feeling nervous, anxious, maybe even dreadful, with chinese A levels getting right in my face, and OP not too far off after that, but im just too tired to think abt that. My mom was asking me wat birthday present i wanted, and for the first time ever i didnt have an answer for her; i just told her to surprise me. for some reason i just feel really tired, no motivation to do anything whatsoever.
I started thinking abt how i've changed over the last 362 days, given my birthday is 3 days away and all that.
i feel like over the course of this year, i have really changed a lot. for example, i have suddenly lost interest in games in general. my nintendo ds, which i would nvr leave home without last year, has not left its pouch casing since before i can rmb. also, i would usually have thought of wat present i want for my birthday by now. heck, i would have everything planned up to christmas. but now, there's nothing. there's this suddenly drop in my desire for, i dunno, material stuff? maybe im just maturing out of games.
also, i think i have become more sociable now (or at least get myself involved in more "social" stuff, cos i'll nvr rly know if im actually welcome there, will i?). i was quite the loner no-life kind of person in cat high, nvr rly got to know a lot of people. it's become a minor regret for me, that i cant walk around and say "hey, i know that guy from cat high!", unlike other cats like bryan (of course, bryan cant walk 10 steps in NJC without meeting a friend, so that isnt rly a fair comparison), but hopefully now things are better. at least now i feel that im closer to my class, and i also have more friends outside of my class (assuming, of course, that they feel the same way :X). i even decided to become an ogl, though the application form is still pending, so we'll see how that turns out *fingers crossed*.
and of course, theres hockey. being in the cat high robotics club was fun and all, but it contributed partly to my no-lifer attitude back then. never really worked out physically and stuff, nvr rly took initiative or responsibility for anything. i ended up drifting around quite aimlessly for my stay in cat high. coming into NJC hockey, the sudden increase in physical activity definitely came as a tough blow. im still physically the weakest guy on the team, but i feel that i've improved quite a lot from that slob that used to be me 4 years ago. and i also joined the exco (albeit initially against my will, but i dont regret my decision), which i feel definitely helped me. i used to be so lackdaisical abt everything, and i believe that joining the exco will train me to be more serious abt things which need to be handled without the usual laxing-ness. of course, im still a slacker, but now i can turn it off just long enough to be presentable to the teachers :)
of course, 2009 was not perfect. of course there were problems. i used to lament my fate everytime something went wrong; i didnt become a slash-wrist emo of course, but i would think that life sucked and all the shit seemed to go to me. luckily, my selfishness was short-lived. i had a huge wake-up call when a friend had to go through something horrible, something so painful i could never hope to begin fathoming how it must have felt, esp at such an inopportune moment. that was really the splash of cold water which i needed, reminding me that my problems only seem big because i, as an individual, am small in comparison. wat is one person's petty troubles in the big scheme of things? after that incident, i realised how lucky i really am, and it finally hit me that whilst pouring out my worthless woes to my friends, they were suffering in silence with their own troubles, all the while still commiting and doing their utmost just to help their obliviously babbling friend, me. i'd definitely say that this was the one most impactful moments of 2009, possibly even my entire life.
a cryptic message to the ones involved: am i giving u too much pressure? am i interfering too much? after all, it's ur life, and u get to make the final decision. i realise that i cant rly give very gd advice; all the "advice" i've been giving seems to somehow be skewed to wat i want. ultimately, i want u to make the choice that ur most comfortable with, and that most reflects wat u want. i dont u to hastily go forth with something only to please the ppl around u.
well, now that the trip down memory lane is over, i still have to settle the problems on hand. i think chinese is seriously a lost cause now (how the hell do u study for a freakin language exam? there's simply no way), so i guess i'll start editing my OP, and then work on my second draft I&R.
since it's become a habit of mine to include a song at the end of every post, i dont see any reason to break the habit. here's another Protest The Hero song. i like this one because the vocals have this strange appeal; the way he sings... there's just this quality in his voice, like a sort of controlled and restricted emotion, which is why the screaming totally flows with the song. i also love how the rhythm guitar complements the entire thing. so, here's Goddess Gagged:
