PTM has been scheduled to be a few weeks later or something, which kind of renewed the latent unrest that has only recently hidden itself deep in people's hearts.
i know i shouldn't be thinking like this now. it's inevitable. it's how the system works. it's how meritocracy works. it can't be changed. i know that they wouldn't want me to feel like this. i know the school definitely doesn't want me to think like this; they want me to think that it's my earned right. but it's just one of those things that i simply cannot drag my mind away from. it's a feeling that has been haunting me after every exam, but this one much more so than others, because of its combined importance and difficulty.
how does the lone survivor feel? how does he cope with the guilt and the burden of being the only one who escaped death's greedy jaws, while his friends and fellow man perished? night and day, thoughts whisper in his head: why me, of all people? why not anyone else? what have i done to deserve the salvation that the innocent person standing next to me didn't do? and if i did nothing to deserve it, what heinous theft have i committed, to rob survival from my friends?
they sometimes joke with me: "you have so many marks to spare, why don't you give me a few so i can pass?" sometimes, i really wish i could.
i can probably imagine people thinking "what the hell is this guy talking about? he doesn't have to worry about his grades so he should jolly well shut up." maybe i should. in fact, i probably should. i'm going to shut up now.
by the way, the post title is a quote from Gunslinger.
