Zero

I've been waiting forever to type that as the title of my post. Yes, it's finally over. That was definitely a very long twenty days, but it's all over and that's all that matters to me right now.

There was a class movie outing, which was sort of successful I guess. In any case it's the best we've ever been capable of. Watched Rapunzel in 3D on Jacob's suggestion ( >.> ) but it turned out to be quite an enjoyable movie: standard "Disney princess" movie with song and dance and cute animal sidekicks and love-conquers-all plots, but Disney has a brilliant track record of making all their movies entertaining and heartwarming at the least (them and Pixar will be the reasons why I never grow old of animated films). Interesting to note is that this is the first Disney princess movie in CGI (even The Princess and the Frog was purposely made in the more traditional sketched style). I don't know if I'm glad for their technological progress or sad for the abandonment of what I've always considered to be a Disney trademark. In any case, I'll always be impressed by Snow White and how the art style of the entire movie was more "blurry" and "washed-out" to fit the theme that Snow White was the fairest of them all. I just don't know if that kind of nuance is possible to pull of in a generation of movie-goers who demand crisp and flashy colours above all else.

After that, we had dinner at this place called the Music Cafe. Sadly, we missed Live Band Night on Wednesdays and DJ Night on Fridays, so there really wasn't much to the namesake while we were there. Of course, that didn't cause the restaurant to lower their prices T_T The guys were planning to LAN after that, but the LAN shop only had 7 computers left for 11 people, so I guess LAN will have to wait.

While at the Music Cafe, they were playing MTV on the TV there, and My Super Sweet 16 was airing, which caused many of us to start criticising the extreme decadence and self-indulgence of American youth, which of course is an over-generalisation given our current level of information. Still, it really makes you wonder if all that talk is really just sour grapes and not an actual display of maturity. After all, it's so much easier to get angry at a person if she's 16 and complains that her parents bought her a Nissan instead of a Mercedes for her birthday.

The storm is finally over, the open sea awaits, and I shall raise the sails and take the wheel... later. For the next feel days I just want to wallow in self-indulgent sloth

See no colour

Tomorrow is the last paper; tomorrow it all ends.

I have seas of paper covering my desk, all scrawled with rough workings from my revision. To my right, I've stacked up all the 'A' level question papers I could bring home. Every time I look at them, I think back to those few hours where I sat in that plastic chair and scribbled furiously on foolscap paper, and what I could have and should have done better. Yes, a lot of thinking, but ultimately it's all useless without action, like a barking dog without teeth. I know that the best way to move on from all this is to take action and learn from my mistakes, but this is, at least for the next two years, the end; where can I apply anything now? It makes my mistakes feel even more costly, because nothing useful can be gleaned from them. Regret is a useless emotion, and I'll definitely have my ways and means to suppress it in the coming months. I just hope that about 5 months from now, when we get back our results, I can eradicate this feeling for real.

I wish my rational and emotional halves can be separated. When I try and think rationally, my emotions cloud my judgement and cause me to focus on the favoured conclusion rather than the logical one; I try to make the evidence fit the conclusion rather than the other way round. And then when I try to think emotionally, my rationality steps in and points out all the holes in my dreams, reminding me why they will forever be nothing but dreams and making me plummet back to reality. I'd much rather never experience flying than have to endure the pain of falling after every sojourn in the skies; rather be born blind than have my sight robbed from me before I've had my fill of colour.

When I woke up this morning, I had the strange urge to discover some non-metal music. And so I discovered Little Boots. Granted, junjie introduced her to me quite a while back, but this is the first time I really went to listen to all of her work. In particular, I like this song:

It's not metal, but it's still not very mainstream either. It's kind of like indie electropop? (indie pop has always been an oxymoron for me) Personally I still can't bring myself to truly enjoy mainstream pop like so many masses in today's world do. Maybe I'm just weird. (who am I kidding, maybe?)

There's a class outing tomorrow :) I guess that's all fine and good, but we're watching that Rapunzel movie (what's the name again?) in 3D for $11 *heart breaks* I guess a last-ditch effort at class bonding takes precedence over a crying wallet. I can't decide personally if I still have hope that our class will find its spirit. I guess I've become used to a zombie class: half alive, half dead.

Maybe it's because I've never actually seen colour before.

Holiday mode

Every once in a while I get a revelation of how lucky I am to be living my life. I've been doing a bit of blog-hopping and read stories of friends who felt like misfits during their entire time in NJ, or never had anything go right for them. And then I look at my own NJ experience, with the most random, most retarded and all-round most awesome classmates ever, together with other like-minded friends around school who not only tolerate my nonsense but even contribute to it. When you think about it, what are the chances that you will be able to meet so many people who can click with you?

So I guess the moral of the story is to rely on your friends in the worst of times and cherish them in the best of times? I don't know, I've never been a very "moral" person (OK that came out the wrong way, now I seem like a cold-blooded serial killer).

I definitely need to start studying for physics soon, but I sure as hell don't want to. What I want to do is to hurry and get A/S ranking for all the acts in Sonic Colours and get all the red rings to unlock Super Sonic (you know I've never played a Sonic game where you can use Super Sonic in normal levels :( )! I'd rather keep my holiday mode turned on all the way than turn it off just for Monday :(

One

For the first time ever, I'm hoping that my graph theory pulls up my combinatorics. That's like saying "I hope my Chinese and econs pull up my maths." But anyway, what's done is done.

The first thing I did after the H3 paper was complete my Spider-Man game (finally! :D ), then went to watch Harry Potter with a bunch of 28s at Plaza Sing. I'm not really a hardcore fan of the series, but it was a nice movie overall. And I love the special effects of the death eaters flying through the skies :) Afterwards was dinner, then LAN. Got another taste of dota, starting to get the hang of it but still far from able to survive on my own without hand-holding from teammates haha.

Now that 'A' levels are nearly over, the stress and pressure is subsiding, which also frees up space for other thoughts to enter my mind. I guess these are thoughts that I've always had. Maybe I've been suppressing them for quite a while, but now without the distraction of exams they've all started coming back: things I wished I did, things I wish were so, but things that ultimately never occurred and I'm painfully aware will never happen. Well, the only way I've ever known to deal with stuff like this is to bury it and wait to become numb. Besides, now is definitely not the time for action.

Looking forward to a relaxing holiday filled with mindless distractions after 'A' levels.

Two

Physics was alright, but oh so many careless mistakes... Please please please don't let physics prelims repeat... I've lost all the confidence I used to have in this subject.

Econs was... oh wait I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S OVER!!! :D At first I was still kind of bummed out for seemingly screwing up econs yet again, but right now I realise I simply couldn't care less. So yeah.

Tomorrow is H3 maths. Frankly there's not much point in mugging for a subject like that (believe me, I've tried with previous papers in vain), especially the night before, so I'm just gonna go in with a clear head and start spamming. And after that, liberation. I don't care of I still have a physics MCQ on Monday, my priority will be to finally complete Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions after sporadic plays here and there during the 'A' levels.

It's been a rough journey through this dark tunnel, complete with falls and scrapes and bruises, but when you can see the light, when you can smell the fresh air, everything in the past just melts away.

Four

The problem with MCQs is that if you think that the answer is different from the majority opinion and you believe that you can convince the markers to accept your idea if you had the chance, you won't get the chance, because all you're allowed to do is shade one measly rectangle out of four. For example, for question 5 of today's chem MCQ, many people will probably put 107 degrees, because that is the correct bond angle for PH3. However, what I zoomed in on was that the question didn't ask for the correct bond angle,  but the bond angle predicted by the VSEPR theory. In VSEPR, bond pair electrons and lone pair electrons are assumed to have the same repulsion, so the predicted bond angle would be the tetrahedral bond angle of 109.5 degrees, wouldn't it? Wouldn't that mean that the answer is C instead of B? Even here, it's mentioned that the VSEPR predictions may not be the same as the actual bond angles. If the question wanted the actual bond angle it would just ask for it instead of asking for what the theory would predict, right? Doesn't the weird phrasing of the question suggest that there's more than meets the eye? But it seems that absolutely nobody is convinced, and unless Cambridge and I think on the same wavelength this will end up as yet another case of me thinking too much.

Other than that, paper 1 was easier than papers 2 and 3, though that's actually not saying much. In fact I'd say that this year's paper 1 was still harder than that of previous years. Just hope that it'll be enough to tide me through the other horrendous papers to get a good overall grade.

OK, tomorrow is the dreaded physics + econs day, and I still have H3 maths the day after to prepare for while all the other people get to have a breather T_T So that's three papers and basically two days to prepare for them (since I'll be totally drained to the bone after tomorrow). I guess we'll see how it goes.

We Come Out At Night

Disappointed in myself.

Never mind the inability to perform academically, whatever happened to my basic duties as a student? Rotting away in my seat, hoping for the best while not preparing for it. I actually disgust myself right now.

I feel like I've alienated myself from my goals and dreams through my own actions and inactions, and now I'm paying the price: no aspirations for company, just my lone ambition. It's not really sadness or anger anymore. It's more of resignation. So I guess this doesn't count as a whiny emo post, right?

We Come Out At Night by Avenged Sevenfold. I think I can really relate to the lyrics right now:



Black and gray clouds willow in the balance as the sun falls.
Rain plays a heart warming tune, on the pavement.
Emotions stir.
A feeling of warmness, compassion; I feel at home.
Disguised by surroundings.
As the torn and left in the gutter seek vengeance on their mistreated lives.
The torn, left in the cold, seek vengeance on mistreated lives.
The torn, left in the cold, seek vengeance, mistreated lives.
A silhouette stands still; lone cactus on a warm summer night.
But the rain falls cold, and the moon shines bright.
Black as night; cold as ice; warm as home; ready to live.
Stars they shoot.; in a clear; across the sky; as does my time.
Waiting, wanting, feeling, emotion.
Crying, breaking, loving, nothing.
Clouds swallow the moon, and I'm alone.
Thinking good times, and why'd they go?
Falling down, breaking away from me.
Falling down, breaking away from me.
Fuck. 
I need this place to get away from you.
Clouds swallow the moon, and I'm alone.
Thinking good times, and why'd they go?